My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
