She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
