Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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