I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
