Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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