Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize