i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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