Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
