I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
