My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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