We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
