Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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