That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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