I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
