I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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