Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
