Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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