i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
