A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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