capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
