I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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