How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
