Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
