I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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