Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
