She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize