And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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