i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
