who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
