areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
