You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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