Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
