We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
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I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
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I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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