some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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