I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
