my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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