youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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