Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
