I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
