I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
