Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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