Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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