Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
