Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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