I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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