Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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