Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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