i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
