Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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