if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
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A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
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I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf