I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
