Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
