just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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