You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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