she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
